Snark FTW
My friend Delta the 2L is taking the Trial Practice course this semester, and asked me a few days ago to be a witness for a mock trial that was held earlier today. I enjoyed myself. Immensely 
The fact pattern for the trial centers on a high school delinquent-turned-professional baseball player with a cocaine addiction, who bumps into me (an old friend and fellow delinquent) at a rock concert and asks me to procure some illicit substances on his behalf. He robs a jewelry store to pay the $16K expense I quote him for a half-kilo. The cops find the drugs in my car after I’m pulled for suspicion of DUI, so I offer details I know about the jewelry store heist in exchange for only getting straight probation on the DUI.
Since this is a mock trial for a class, the “witnesses” are either fellow Legal Eagles or the parents thereof. We were all given three basic directives: 1) be truthful in all your responses; 2) where the fact pattern is silent, feel free to improvise; and 3) be as uncooperative with opposing counsel as possible.  The lack of “uncooperative”-ness wasn’t terribly exciting though since most of the witnesses read straight from their fact pattern materials on the stand.
Not I… 
Since I was doing this for Delta the 2L — a person who’s helped guide me through law school thus far — I figured I’d have some fun with it for her benefit. That led to a handful of exchanges that were mildly amusing for the jury, mildly annoying for the defense counsel, or a combination of the two.
An example:
[From the fact pattern: I’ve been convicted of filing a false police report, included in the fact pattern to provide an opportunity for the defense to attack my credibility]
Defense Counsel: On January xx, you were convicted of filing a false police report, were you not?
Me: I can explain that. ::turns to the jury:: I was doing my Christmas shopping, see, and I had this lady friend. Gorgeous. And she had this kid. So I figured I’d buy her kid the last Tickle Me Elmo they had at Wal-Mart. And then this porcine-looking guy pushed me out of the way and grabbed the last one off the shelf. So I was mad and told the police he threatened to kill me. It was a mistake. But for her it was worth it.
::laughter::
And…
[From the fact pattern: I’ve previously been in prison and don’t want to go back]
Defense Counsel: You have an intense incentive to lie today don’t you?
Me: No sir. If I testify untruthfully I get sent back to prison.
Defense Counsel: And you don’t want to go back to prison, do you?
Me: Hell no I don’t want to go back. Last time I was in there were these 2 guys, Bubba and Pookie. Those guys were hungry, and I don’t mean for Big Macs.
::laughter::
And…
[From the fact pattern: I occasionally read the Sports section of the local newspaper]
Defense Counsel: Do you read the Courant sir?
Me: Every now and then I read the Sports section, yes sir.
Defense Counsel: So you read the news story about the robbery in which my client was identified? Could that have influenced your identifying him today?
Me: I don’t think they print robbery stories in the Sports section…
::laughter::
Part of me felt like an ass afterwards for subjecting the defense counsel to it, but technically it was my job. And it was fun 
