Professor Torts unleashed!

Posted by T. Greg Doucette on Aug 19, 2009 in The 1L Life

I wasn’t even going to write a second entry today given my sadly predictable start to the morning.

But it’s not every day you get to personally witness a homicide…


Supreme Court of TGD, 2009
10 F.2d 747

TDOT, CHIEF JUSTICE.  The victim was the self-esteem of a 1L student (hereafter dubbed “That Guy”), mercilessly decapitated in plain view of about four dozen witnesses.  The accused claims self defense and accordingly has filed a Motion to Dismiss, citing the deceased’s attempted assault on her intelligence.  The incident took place at approximately 2:15pm in Room 102 of the Turner Law Building at NC Central University.

Defendant was teaching her course in Torts I, and had selected That Guy as the student responsible for debriefing the second case of the day (Spivey v. Battaglia, 258 So.2d 815 (1972)).  That Guy sat in silence for at least 45 seconds, to which the Defendant indicated he could “begin at any time.”  That Guy replied he was just trying to open his brief on the case.  Students adjacent to and behind That Guy noticed he was pulling up an incomplete brief provided by the 2L students to 1Ls as a supplement, containing minimal case information.  That Guy proceeded to recite the information contained in the 2L-originated brief.

Defendant asked the victim a series of questions relating to the case, whereupon it became evident That Guy had read none of the material and was simply trying to bluff his way through his experience with the Socratic method of teaching.  Defendant continued questioning, receiving in response the same minimal information reworded in various ways.

Upon realizing the cluelessness of That Guy, the Defendant proceeded to ask a variety of trick questions.  For example, in an incredulous tone she asked if Battaglia did indeed paralyze Spivey with just a one-armed hug around the neck (he had), to which That Guy replied that he “thought she might have fallen down or something afterward that caused it.”  Defendant corrected That Guy and continued with similar questions.

Defense Exhibit A - Note the different colors for Torts (blue) and Property (red)

Defense Exhibit A. Note the different colors for Torts (blue) and Property (red).

After roughly 10 minutes of questioning, That Guy replied that he was sorry and should have been more thorough with his brief.  Defendant replied that he should ignore what is written in his brief and consult his textbook.  The Court notes at this point that the covers of textbooks for 1L students are in different colors as apparent in Defense Exhibit A.

That Guy turned a couple pages in the open book on his desk and began to speak.  Defendant interrupted the deceased before he could utter a word and noted the book on his desk was (by virtue of its red cover) not the Torts textbook.  In a menacing tone Defendant inquired if That Guy was reading for another course in her class, on the second day of said class, when he was clearly unprepared.  Defendant further interrogated That Guy by asking what exactly he was thinking or how exactly he was expecting to get away with responding to Defendant’s questions with text from another book. The verbal exchange between That Guy and Defendant continued for an unknown period of time until That Guy placed his Property textbook in his bookbag. His face as red as a baboon’s hindquarters with a sunburn, the deceased stammered various indeterminable utterances before the Defendant moved on to the next case.

None of the facts entered into evidence in this matter are disputed by the State.  It is apparent to this Court that the deceased read none of the material required for his class.  It is further apparent that he attempted to mislead the Defendant by reciting information from an incomplete brief that he himself had not completed.  It is still further apparent that he did, in fact, attempt to assault the Defendant’s intelligence by then reading the text of a different course’s textbook in search of suitable answers to Defendant’s questioning.

Based on the record before this Court, the cause cannot be sustained.  The Defendant’s Motion is granted.  Charges dismissed.


Advice to current and future 1Ls:

  • Read the material in the syllabus.
  • If you haven’t read the material, confess your sins and accept the penance imposed upon you.
  • Never try to bluff a professor.  They know more than you do.
  • If you’re going to roll the dice and try to bluff a professor, don’t use a canned/incomplete brief… and make sure you have the right textbook on your desk ;)


Good night everybody! :)

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This is why I don’t read for fun…

Posted by T. Greg Doucette on Aug 19, 2009 in The 1L Life

[Edit @ 1:36pm: apparently while revising this thing a few hours ago I somehow deleted half the post and turned off comments without realizing it — added the rest of the post back in and turned comments and trackbacks back on.  Sorry for the confusion to those of you who already read it >_<  –TDot]


My day so far:

1:32am: Stay up late reading the federal and NC Rules of Civil Procedure for fun, because I’m pretty fascinated by process.  Forget that I tend to oversleep when I go to bed late.  Download some tracks from iTunes for a new mixtape, set alarm on cell phone, and go to bed.

7:03am:  Open eyes, thinking it’s only 6 and I can snooze for a bit.  Notice the sunlight is brighter than normal in my room.  Wonder why my alarm hasn’t gone off.

7:04am: “Shit…”

7:06:13am: Realize I can’t recall alarm going off.  Roll over to check clock on night stand; blocked by something so I can’t see all the numbers, but can tell the first number is clearly not a ‘6’.

7:06:16am: “…shit…”

7:06:58am: Find cell phone underneath my pillow with my daily news email from the Chronicle of Higher Education opened.  Clearly I’ve already been awake at some point, cut off my alarm, and gone back to bed.

7:07:01am: “…shit!”.  Almost break the sound barrier jumping out of the bed.

7:10am: Decide to skip wearing slacks and a polo for jeans and a t-shirt.  Make up the bed.
7:11am: Change my mind on the jeans and a t-shirt.  Pull out slacks and a collarless polo. Start burning the new mixtape CD while the iron heats up.  Iron clothes.

7:15am: Realize I’ll have to skip breakfast.  Jump in the shower before waiting for water to heat up.  Curse.
7:33am: Stomach reminds me it doesn’t approve skipping breakfast.  Go throw 2 waffles in the toaster before getting dressed.
7:35am: Flip waffles and press the lever again.  Toaster only has 2 settings: “barely warm” and “charcoal.”  Note to self:  get new toaster.

7:37am: Start eating waffle by hand, without syrup (one of the greatest culinary injustices possible).  Grab keys, cards, phone holster, sunglasses.  Realize this is probably one of those reasons why the food gods invented paper plates.

7:39am: Throw half-eaten waffle and uneaten waffle on a plate, grab a can of Diet Mountain Dew, grab bookbag and books, scoop everything all up and run downstairs.  Awkwardly.

7:43am: Hit first red light (1 out of 1).  Curse.
7:46am: Hit second red light (2 out of 3).  Curse.
7:48:15am: Hit third red light (3 out of 6).  Curse.
7: 48:46am: Hit fourth red light (4 out of 7).  Curse.

7:50am: For a rap and hip-hop guy, conclude that Nickelback is actually pretty good to blast early in the morning.

7:53am:  Hit fifth red light (5 out of 13).  Don’t curse upon realization I’m slightly earlier than yesterday, when I had to sprint from the parking lot to make it in the class right as Professor LRA was getting ready to shut the door.

7:57am:  Get to side door of law school.  Remember that said door requires card access.  Use Karate Kid crane technique to balance books / soda / pocket contents and swipe the keypad.

7:58am:  Make it to class with 2 minutes to spare. w00t.

8:09am:  Conclude Professor LRA is a good high-energy professor for an 8am class, but she’s flying through these PowerPoint slides.  Couldn’t even finish reading the text on that last one.
8:10am:  Rockstar (one of my new 1L friends who sits in the back of the room with our group I’m starting to call the Gang of Eight) raises his hand and tells the professor she moved too quickly past that last slide.
8:11am:  Rockstar gets gently chewed out by Professor LRA. “I’ll post the PowerPoint on TWEN.  You blindly typing this all down doesn’t do anything.  Just sit there and listen. Let this marinate.”  She might want to have a conversation with Dr. Psyche about learning styles.

8:55am:  Done with LRA.  Grabbing a Diet Mountain Dew from the machine downstairs, posting this entry, and waiting for Civil Procedure to start… so far my favorite course, both for the content and the professor (already dubbed by some students as Mean Dean Green — no pseudonym I could think up would do justice to something that rhymes that well :))


May or may not post another entry today, I’m already feeling behind even though I’m up on the readings.  Guess you’ll just have to come back later to find out ;) (or just use an RSS reader :P)

One last note:  this city is my home now (you might notice it if you read the Drudge Report).  I’m going to love this place :D

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